I wanna rock

I brushed my teeth with a rug today, because I thought I heard someone talking about how it was pretty cool. I guess I mishead them. But, fuck, who knows, right? I mean who knows anything.

Woke up and I had an IV drip, or whatever, stuck in my arm. Also my legs were half in a suitcase and I think I am in an old lady's home. I only say that because shit wait

HekkI> Hello Oh no computer Hello Is this the police world web shoP someone has broken in i think computer hello call the police

computer call the police

police police police please what is a babyfight really

feel good vid of the day

a sexy wild boar

Lately I have been worrying that my dad will come to me as I'm dying, either with burns covering my entire body, or stricken at the side of the road, and tell me "I knew every single time when you were masturbating."

thinking about lately

When you're having your baths next, think about this:

Would you rather eat a human penis, cooked really well with lots of nice spices and herbs, or a sandwich with loads of those black pads from the bottom of dogs paws?

I AM A VIKING FUCKING WARRIOR

Dealt with the Curtain ghost situation. First things first: took all my clothes off. So the ghost couldn’t possess any of them. (Q: What film is that from? A: not from a film, it’s from my fucking life. A2: Fuck you anyway, Sanj.)

At first I was going to attack it with two cups, but then I taped an umbrella to a vacuum cleaner, to trap the ghost.

Ghost was making noises like a thousand bees fighting a thousand wasps. Pulled back curtain: turned out to be two thousand wasp coming out of some kind of giant wasp egg death star.

Fuckin turned on vacuum cleaner, sucked them all up, the skies will never be the same. Turned the fucking wasp egg independence day mothership alien into a fucking porridge. The earth will never be the same again.

Then I looked at the vacuum, wasn’t even fucking plugged in WTF.

OR WAS IT?

`324 Yes it was.

now

the ghostf in my cvurtains, it turnsout, is an el,ectricity ghost. t crackles and i touchedf the curtinnand nowmyhands aere badly burned. scienceknows nothingnabouit ghosts,so my science bible tells me. fcukme fgets rthe polciee.

GTA 4

I got shot last night, by a boy of about 14, with a gun made from a coke bottle and a bit of wood, at least that's what it felt like.

Then this morning I found a new hole on my body, so when I was poking around I found an old looking gladiator helmet in there. So I took it to the museum to sell it, but they weren't interested and then they tried to arrest me because it turned out not to be a gladiator helmet, but some kind of fake helmet made from a Crunchie wrapper and a used condom. Do they even make Crunchies anymore? Also it was a hospital, not a museum, ffs.

And now I think my curtain are haunted. Do you know anything about this, Sanj DO YOU FUCKING WANT SOMRTHING SANJ?>??

WORK INTERNET

I've been working on a porn remake of the Yellow Submarine film. Trailer here.

Meet the sloths from Amphibian Avenger on Vimeo.

wtf ghosts

Woke up this evening and I’d drawn, on the wall, a massive Mickey Mouse. When I looked closer it was made up of Beatles lyrics. This is the kind of thing I’d imagine ghosts to do, if I believed it them.

But I don’t. WHO DID THIS TO ME?

Woke up with part of a dismembered duck in every room of the house. Think it has something to do with this funny noise my tumbledryer is making.

Also the bathroom floor was covered in used pregnancy tests. Not sure they're mine, or why they're there. But if I was going to use a pregnancy test I would do so in the bathroom, so that part of this puzzle makes sense. Unless this isn't my house.

Also I'm pretty sure I invented a card game that doesn't involve any cards and is for one player. No way to know for sure.

respectable

Too many of my days revolving around pissing lately. Need to stop drinking so much of it.

Also, finally measured my penis: as long as a bottle of Savlon, at least.

I’ve been in a coma the last two days.

I had this dream I had to fight Achilles, the ancient Greek warrior. I was shitting it, because he’s Achilles, I mean he’s fucking invincible. Plus he had all this training, a spear and a shield and all I had was a pair of shorts and a fucking potato peeler.

Anyway it turned out I wasn’t dreaming but Achilles was actually a car being driven by a family of porcupines (didn’t think we had those in England, which begs the question: am I still in England at this point? Or maybe they escaped from a zoo? Fucking zoos, getting in my way AGAIN)

Bottom line is: YOU CAN’T FUCKING KILL ME, PORCUPINE SHITS.

I swear, sometimes my life is like a bad movie.

Also I’ve been working on this cocktail which is 1 part coffee, 1 part lighter fluid and 2 parts cat blood and 2 parts of this leafy water from the wheelbarrow out back. I’ve been boiling it for ten hours and it’s caught fire twice. Not sure it will be worth it. My life, bad movie, same thing. FFFFFF. I don’t even know whose wheelbarrow that is, or if this is even cat blood.

IS BACK

So the previous occupants of this house, who are also technically the current occupants since I’ve fucking broken in, had all their shower stuff and bathroom cleaners and medicine in the same room with this kind of weird massive drinking tap. It was like a bowl half full of water and when you push the tap it fills with more water, but the water doesn’t stay in there. So you can put a cup in and fill it up, it’s a pretty good invention.

Anyway I mixed together all their cleaners and medicines and shit into this orgasmic super cocktail and I have got fucked up on that shit. I think my heart stopped for about 14 minutes there.

I’m writing this six months in the future depending on when you read it. I think when I put the bleach in this drink it made my reactions six months faster than most people. Something to do with which is why my fucking blog was taken down by some asshole, and not because I’d drawn a swastika from a bunch of penises.

Anyway so I wanted to upload these fucking animal pictures I’ve drawn. They’re basically about how like animals are really fucking sexualised now and it’s like no matter how many times you tell me you’ve drunk stripper’s urine you’re still not fucking better than me because I’ve got the cock of a tiger. Literally, I had a fucking operation.

Also probably someone can masturbate to this shit. If that’s you then send me some fucking money, you dick.

Also just saw the Avatar movie. Probably best movie I ever saw.