WORK INTERNET

I've been working on a porn remake of the Yellow Submarine film. Trailer here.

Meet the sloths from Amphibian Avenger on Vimeo.

wtf ghosts

Woke up this evening and I’d drawn, on the wall, a massive Mickey Mouse. When I looked closer it was made up of Beatles lyrics. This is the kind of thing I’d imagine ghosts to do, if I believed it them.

But I don’t. WHO DID THIS TO ME?

Woke up with part of a dismembered duck in every room of the house. Think it has something to do with this funny noise my tumbledryer is making.

Also the bathroom floor was covered in used pregnancy tests. Not sure they're mine, or why they're there. But if I was going to use a pregnancy test I would do so in the bathroom, so that part of this puzzle makes sense. Unless this isn't my house.

Also I'm pretty sure I invented a card game that doesn't involve any cards and is for one player. No way to know for sure.

respectable

Too many of my days revolving around pissing lately. Need to stop drinking so much of it.

Also, finally measured my penis: as long as a bottle of Savlon, at least.

I’ve been in a coma the last two days.

I had this dream I had to fight Achilles, the ancient Greek warrior. I was shitting it, because he’s Achilles, I mean he’s fucking invincible. Plus he had all this training, a spear and a shield and all I had was a pair of shorts and a fucking potato peeler.

Anyway it turned out I wasn’t dreaming but Achilles was actually a car being driven by a family of porcupines (didn’t think we had those in England, which begs the question: am I still in England at this point? Or maybe they escaped from a zoo? Fucking zoos, getting in my way AGAIN)

Bottom line is: YOU CAN’T FUCKING KILL ME, PORCUPINE SHITS.

I swear, sometimes my life is like a bad movie.

Also I’ve been working on this cocktail which is 1 part coffee, 1 part lighter fluid and 2 parts cat blood and 2 parts of this leafy water from the wheelbarrow out back. I’ve been boiling it for ten hours and it’s caught fire twice. Not sure it will be worth it. My life, bad movie, same thing. FFFFFF. I don’t even know whose wheelbarrow that is, or if this is even cat blood.