GTA 4

I got shot last night, by a boy of about 14, with a gun made from a coke bottle and a bit of wood, at least that's what it felt like.

Then this morning I found a new hole on my body, so when I was poking around I found an old looking gladiator helmet in there. So I took it to the museum to sell it, but they weren't interested and then they tried to arrest me because it turned out not to be a gladiator helmet, but some kind of fake helmet made from a Crunchie wrapper and a used condom. Do they even make Crunchies anymore? Also it was a hospital, not a museum, ffs.

And now I think my curtain are haunted. Do you know anything about this, Sanj DO YOU FUCKING WANT SOMRTHING SANJ?>??

WORK INTERNET

I've been working on a porn remake of the Yellow Submarine film. Trailer here.

Meet the sloths from Amphibian Avenger on Vimeo.

wtf ghosts

Woke up this evening and I’d drawn, on the wall, a massive Mickey Mouse. When I looked closer it was made up of Beatles lyrics. This is the kind of thing I’d imagine ghosts to do, if I believed it them.

But I don’t. WHO DID THIS TO ME?

Woke up with part of a dismembered duck in every room of the house. Think it has something to do with this funny noise my tumbledryer is making.

Also the bathroom floor was covered in used pregnancy tests. Not sure they're mine, or why they're there. But if I was going to use a pregnancy test I would do so in the bathroom, so that part of this puzzle makes sense. Unless this isn't my house.

Also I'm pretty sure I invented a card game that doesn't involve any cards and is for one player. No way to know for sure.

respectable

Too many of my days revolving around pissing lately. Need to stop drinking so much of it.

Also, finally measured my penis: as long as a bottle of Savlon, at least.