WORK INTERNET

I've been working on a porn remake of the Yellow Submarine film. Trailer here.

Meet the sloths from Amphibian Avenger on Vimeo.

wtf ghosts

Woke up this evening and I’d drawn, on the wall, a massive Mickey Mouse. When I looked closer it was made up of Beatles lyrics. This is the kind of thing I’d imagine ghosts to do, if I believed it them.

But I don’t. WHO DID THIS TO ME?

Woke up with part of a dismembered duck in every room of the house. Think it has something to do with this funny noise my tumbledryer is making.

Also the bathroom floor was covered in used pregnancy tests. Not sure they're mine, or why they're there. But if I was going to use a pregnancy test I would do so in the bathroom, so that part of this puzzle makes sense. Unless this isn't my house.

Also I'm pretty sure I invented a card game that doesn't involve any cards and is for one player. No way to know for sure.

respectable

Too many of my days revolving around pissing lately. Need to stop drinking so much of it.

Also, finally measured my penis: as long as a bottle of Savlon, at least.

I’ve been in a coma the last two days.

I had this dream I had to fight Achilles, the ancient Greek warrior. I was shitting it, because he’s Achilles, I mean he’s fucking invincible. Plus he had all this training, a spear and a shield and all I had was a pair of shorts and a fucking potato peeler.

Anyway it turned out I wasn’t dreaming but Achilles was actually a car being driven by a family of porcupines (didn’t think we had those in England, which begs the question: am I still in England at this point? Or maybe they escaped from a zoo? Fucking zoos, getting in my way AGAIN)

Bottom line is: YOU CAN’T FUCKING KILL ME, PORCUPINE SHITS.

I swear, sometimes my life is like a bad movie.

Also I’ve been working on this cocktail which is 1 part coffee, 1 part lighter fluid and 2 parts cat blood and 2 parts of this leafy water from the wheelbarrow out back. I’ve been boiling it for ten hours and it’s caught fire twice. Not sure it will be worth it. My life, bad movie, same thing. FFFFFF. I don’t even know whose wheelbarrow that is, or if this is even cat blood.

IS BACK

So the previous occupants of this house, who are also technically the current occupants since I’ve fucking broken in, had all their shower stuff and bathroom cleaners and medicine in the same room with this kind of weird massive drinking tap. It was like a bowl half full of water and when you push the tap it fills with more water, but the water doesn’t stay in there. So you can put a cup in and fill it up, it’s a pretty good invention.

Anyway I mixed together all their cleaners and medicines and shit into this orgasmic super cocktail and I have got fucked up on that shit. I think my heart stopped for about 14 minutes there.

I’m writing this six months in the future depending on when you read it. I think when I put the bleach in this drink it made my reactions six months faster than most people. Something to do with which is why my fucking blog was taken down by some asshole, and not because I’d drawn a swastika from a bunch of penises.

Anyway so I wanted to upload these fucking animal pictures I’ve drawn. They’re basically about how like animals are really fucking sexualised now and it’s like no matter how many times you tell me you’ve drunk stripper’s urine you’re still not fucking better than me because I’ve got the cock of a tiger. Literally, I had a fucking operation.

Also probably someone can masturbate to this shit. If that’s you then send me some fucking money, you dick.

Also just saw the Avatar movie. Probably best movie I ever saw.